Category Archives: love

Going into the unknown

Agitated to a degree that I will no longer allow me to continue to cope. From inside my mind something new begins to appear. A vision of the world to be. The vision becomes clearer not with time but rather with certain events. It’s these events that drives the hunt, but oh how much I hurt. How much can I take before I become at a loss for everything. Rolled down the dirt until my only habits include eating greasy sugar, gaming in solitude and never making real connections with the world around me. But who’s not searching for the answer to the other side. The next upgrade in the world system. Books; books that teach you something about how to look at the world differently. Eckhart Tolle- The Power of Now put me totally zenned out for months. Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power helped me take over the non-profit organization I was working for at the time. Nietzsche.

From a very young age I can remember having a profound curiosity with the world. Something that developed with the help of my community and the resources of growing up in America. In elementary school it was dinosaurs and rocks.In high school it was evolution and atheism. In college my mind exploded with philosophy. I got into trouble all along the way, mostly because I don’t care too much for convention. I think this whole thing is a joke. Why so serious is my question, and when I’m out in the world making a muckery of things, what good could it possibly do? Because I am making a muckery of things and there are many that would have me stopped.

A lot of what I do gets boggled up because of when I got dislodged from my ideal tregetory way back when. Now I am living the life of the type of person that I wanted to become but with a few major flaws keep me from real life flow. The goal would be an able bodied sailor with a sharp mind, body, and wit.  Ready for anything and happy for a challenge. Well the challenge is this- Don’t be awkward around people you don’t know. Don’t be a casual dick that prevents people from getting close to you. Do bring the fun. Do work hard on the things that are important to you.

It was last night that a friend and I were able to share a new world with three kids that were ripe and ready for the experience. Their enthusiasm lit my world up and I was able to fulfill the teaching role that I am always looking for. It played to my strengths in a way and I was able to learn just as much as even the kid on the bed who reached something of a cosmic state of enlightenment; with his eyes rolled strait up and face contorted in pure concentration, yet still perfectly aware of his surroundings. All three of these guys were completely blown away by the experience and all so grateful. The meekest one of the group nervously confronted me and called me somthing of a god. It’s was too much power and responsibility to be handled by me with his mind so open almost like I could do anything I want. I shaped him with a hammer and chisel, gently and with care, but masculine in character. The third and final dude had a way of relating to me personally in that he understood my vulnerability and played with it in a way that softly coaxed me out and made me aware of my own aggression. A valuable lesson for my improvement. It was my co-conspirator that shook it the most.

There have been a few choices in my past for which I chose the lesser direction when the high road was perfectly available. It comes from a self consciousness that drives me down in class and status. When the higher world makes its appearance I choose the lower path, because I know that am not ready. I could not stand in such a place without the skills of discipline expected of all who make. These things I will learn but for now there is plenty of magic down here to feed off of.

There is much I disagree with my partner over and I have thought about leaving him for a different path but something about his wild character creates such a strong allure that he makes for an attractive enemy. An opponent with the same higher purpose and different methods of getting there. I am pushed to grow in ways I could have never imagined for myself and can feel myself pushed towards a new phase of integration.

The time has come for me to change. Finding inspiration in the minds of others, this golden energy has filled me with abundance and the ability to relate to world on real plane that pierces through fog and bullshit. The irony is that this entire time I have been frantically searching for friends and a sense of belonging when now I understand that my path will be one of solitude and dedication to be achieved first before I find the fruit I am looking for. It’s through social situations that I will make business and learn the rules to define value. The reality is that friends are rare so enjoy the quality time that you spend with them and make sure that they can always feel your love.

Cogito Ergo Sum- I think therefore I am. Wherever you go there you are and there you go shaping the world around you, building new creations, changing. We are all very special (or at least we like to think we are), put on this world to revel in existence for a short time before the greatest plunge into the unknown is taken. Never certain but with a sense that everything is going to be alright. I love all of you and feel like something great is about to happen. I don’t know what is but I know that we are all play a role and that it is of the highest importance that we do it right.

Or maybe I’m crazy and this is the ranting of a lunatic into the cold and unforgiving abyss. But as the saying goes- Stare long enough into the abyss and eventually the abyss stares back.


Thanks for reading,

As always, I am passionately searching for the next clue by which I may be uplifted into the next level. Maybe you know what it is. Drop a comment and let me know.


Handling Escapism

I would wager that just about everyone has some form of escapism that they engage in on the daily. A fraction of these people recognize the opportunities that are missed because of the time that is spent on something that is not in direct attainment of life’s goals. For me, its most obvious in the urge to play video games comes because I have shortcomings in other parts of my life. In order to change my focus to something that I am competent in, I turn to video games to get a sense of gratification that I am not getting in the real world. It can be extremely challenging to keep from turning to these types of escapism when faced with overwhelming obstacles. In order to get at the root of escapism I have a few penetrating questions. Where do these negative emotions come from? Why is it that I am unable to control myself when confronted with these emotions? What could be some possible solutions for living a better life?

Firstly, defining what constitutes a negative emotion that then turns me to escapism. From the position that I sit in now it seems entirely irrational to do anything but build myself to overcome in the face of adversity, but this is not the case. One instance of a source of these negative emotions comes from going out at night in order to have fun and meet new people. Not all the time but often enough these events can cascade downward so that when I am leaving the bar I feel alone in that I was unable to make a solid connection with anyone that I met that night. This does not happen often but when it does it can be hard to deal with. Other things that can be hard to deal with are things like shortcomings at work, run-ins with the bad side of the law, and arguments between friends. These are the type of things that cause negative emotions and thus give rise to the will to escape from it all.

The ideal version of myself grows stronger when faced with adversity and at times I have experienced such a thing. A willpower arise that detaches emotionally in order to achieve the desired outcome. Other times a weakness that desires to neglect the reality of the situation in favor of something lazy and shameful wins. I can only understand the ebb and flow of these two internal drives as a necessity of life and therefor I must prepare for both.

Building a life that is full of positive emotions so that one would never even be tempted by escapism sounds disagreeable. This is not to say that I would do anything but pursue my dream of dreams, it’s just that I feel that anything worth doing should be challenging and therefore will include trying situations. For me, it’s not about finding the path free of road bumps but more so about strengthening the self in order to handle any road bump that might occur; and so I turn my attention to the weakest version of myself and ask: What’s wrong? Why are you unable to do what you know to be right? Is it a lack of courage or maybe you just don’t want it bad enough? From the heightened perspective of where I sit now I can offer few words that might help. Remember that life is short and that greatness can only be achieved by those who work for it. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, so take your time and start small. Just remember to keep moving forward. Like the butterfly that created the hurricane, a small step in the right direction could be the first step to shift the minds of millions. Without the first step, there is nothing.

So yeah. Writing is where I do my most precise introspective work and by publishing this online I hope that it may help anyone that stumbles upon my work. If you thought about anything at all while reading please leave a comment. I love to hear other perspectives and to build a community is some of the greatest thing we do as humans and I am looking forward to all of it.