What does it mean to mean?

I do not mean to take this paper into a cyclical philosophical direction necessarily by attempting to pick myself up by my bootstraps in defining a word with the same word. Instead I mean to do. I mean to look at the context in which a goal is stated and carried through upon and conversely look at when goals are stated but not carried through. What is it that gives us the ability to mean what we say and say what we mean? I mean to look at all those situations where we can say something and not really mean it. I mean to look at when we say something and mean it. And finally to look at the degree to which we can mean something.

I am never drinking again. A square triangle. I could eat a planet. Let’s examine these statements from last to first. The last statement is not meant literally but still there is meaning. The meaning is that the person is extremely hungry and may even have the experience of being capable of eating a planet but still not able to physically eat a planet. They would be delusional, but even in delusion there is meaning. I can’t escape meaning. Everything has meaning! Ok then let’s look at a square triangle which is a mathematical impossibility. Meaningless unless used to describe something impossible… again we find meaning. Let’s take a jump to the nuts then. “I am never drinking again”. Something I have said many times thinking I meant it every time but in the end it it turns out that I did not mean it. Sure it has the type of inescapable meaning in the kind of I was feeling super hung over and had made up my mind to make the attempt to never drink again but did not possess the willpower or the memory to make it a reality. What is also meant is that I tried to mean something but truly did not mean it, and even if you asked me at the time I would have agreed with you that I do not really mean to never drink again. Something in my gut could have told you what I really mean to do with my life. Its that feeling in my gut that I hope to get more in touch with by the end of this paper. Please come and join me.

Lets now look at something that we do mean… I will leave Black Eye Coffee in about 20 minutes from now. There, this is something that I can say with very high confidence. I can say this with high confidence because I know all the variables that I may face in the next 20 minutes. When I say that I will go to Australia I know that there are many more variables and there is a much greater chance that I will not go to Australia though because of my determination to go I can still say with confidence, I will. It’s the feeling of determination to make something happen that I want to get in touch with and so let’s see if we can summon this on the spot with a statement of intent.

I will not drink any soda for the rest of this month. There are only 5 days left in this month so this is not something that should be too hard but I do drink enough soda that this is something that will take effort. Besides the raw intensity of the gut by which I can mean something the task of bringing the vision to reality becomes a job of details. I have read that elimination of weak or on the fence words can help. I might becomes I will but even then I will can have less meaning than I might. Will power.

Will power is a muscle. It can be used up and it can be strengthened. Healthy foods help as well as daily exercise. I can imagine being able to always do what I must do. To always do good I could changed the world and we always know what is good. Deep in the gut we know. Tonight I will read for an hour.

What to do with a life

What is the point? This is a good place to start. The traditional and persistent answer has been for wisdom. To become that old man with a grey beard and stories for the kids. The morphing meaning of the word wisdom make the path of wisdom always elusive. Three concepts are necessary to analyze when it comes to the path of wisdom. My weaknesses need to be accounted for and corrected. My strengths in my ability to travel. Lastly the entire framework of values where it all comes into perspective.

I recently had a long relationship with a good friend fall apart. One of the lessons learned would to not borrow money from friends and especially not to borrow two grand from a friend. While in debt with nothing other than a friendship holding my debt to my debtor meant that the terms of the loan were shaky and there were times when even I did not know if I was going to be able to repay him. This caused a negativity directed at me like I have never felt before. From someone so close to me it hurt all the more. During the times when we could get along my friend would tell me that he would spend all day at work brooding on the twisted ways in which I was a terrible person, and I was able to feel these thoughts come off him as we spent our days in New Orleans together. Eventually his brooding became creative and he was able to uncover the weakest and most disgusting things about my personality and bring them to light. All the things thing that I had been running away from are now before me once again. I had almost escaped but I guess the past has a tendency of catching up with you. Now, living back in my hometown I am faced with all the past. Its useful in a way as I get a chance of seeing the darkest things within myself in the light and have a chance to correct them. I have a feeling that facing it rather than running away is something that I can do to drastically to improve my life which means a plus one for living in Minnesota.

The world is so big and I am just getting started in seeing it. To stay in Minnesota feels like stagnation. Portland, Chicago, New York City, all places that I have never lived and all places that I would love to live. What takes me away from these places is that I know that if I go there I will have to struggle massively to get on my feet. I would need more money in order to avoid this. I have lived homeless before but that was in Hawaii where being homeless is sex on the beach. My goal of getting to Australia by August 25th is looming and getting to work in necessary. Moving to a new place would be a big risk that could stop me from getting to Australia and not something I am willing to do. Not that I am not willing to take risks, it’s just that here in Minnesota I have a job as a bartender that I can use to leverage a bartending job in Australia and then bartending all over the worlds. It comes down to the bartending in the end that will keep me here. Once I  have the necessary experience to make my own way I will take a risk and head to Portland and then Australia.

Underneath all the travel and wonder of new experiences are the relationships that are formed. Other people that can teach me things and show me a way of viewing the world that I would not have known without them are the most important thing to all of this. Traveling is how to meet the best of these people but traveling in the right way is important to note. “The path of abundance leads to the palace of wisdom”. Lots of money, friends, and fun are what I’m after. This means everywhere I go living as hard as I can. Going out every night, no down time, and going through the things that I as fast as I can so that I can continue to do the next things that I want to do. So, if you will excuse me I am only going to edit this post once just because it has accomplished exactly what I wanted to accomplish with it. I writing this post to give me the frenzied motivation to go out tonight with purpose and fun which is what it all comes down to. Progress in the direction of my values which could be seen as another value all together.

Peace out, I got shit to do.

To Canoe the Mississippi

A date has been set and the bags are beginning to be packed. My friend and I have chosen to join the leagues of elite ventures by canoeing to New Orleans from the city Minneapolis. The trip should take just under two months to complete plus the time we spend partying in the towns we pass through. Finding a third traveler to join us would be ideal for a trip like this. Two paddlers and a middle man. The trip of a lifetime.

My progress on this trip has been mostly dreaming and not much else. When I write a blog post on something it is generally the start of something great. My next step is to read of other people’s adventures down the largest river in North America.

And so here it is. My step by step plan on how I will escape debt and travel the world at the same time. This is a back turned to a life of luxury which is becoming a far and away dream anyways, and a life turned to adventure while living on the brink. Something that I can write a book about and have a greater shot at immortality than working the standard American dream. I will need to stay vigilant to deportation and I will need to learn the skills of survival of my own accord. The system is a very large entity that I will need to evade/use but in their size lies their weakness. Someone like me will be able to scamper on by using only what I need like a mouse eating the crumbs from a wild beast. At least I refuse the shit.

The housing collapse was an indicator of something bigger in play. Next comes the water. The best tools that we have for survival are our natural born instincts and one another. New communities that work with the help of each other are more important than money for so many reasons. I choose the life through the community rather than the life through society. While I can’t run away and expect to get away in good conscious, I can choose not to play. I would expect something of the sort to catch up with me if I went completely rogue so I will need to play the game in order to escape the game.

Play the game with a canoe and paddle as I take a trip down the Mississippi. After that I may disappear for a bit into the jungle of south america and become a real life Zarathustra! But first things first. Tomorrow I get a second job as a delivery guy in the hot summers of Minneapolis which will provide me the funds to make the paddle. An interview with an insurance company just so that I can have that last look into the corporate life I will be giving up on. A book on the psychology of persuasion, and a search for the third person (girl) who is able and willing to make the paddle with us. Oh the wonder of having intense purpose of life.

I could rant about the injustice of having a middle and lower class pay for all the fuck ups of the elite and then about on about the system the elite have created to keep their own personal shit dumpsters in line and away from the truth about freedom through the media, the division of groups and alcohol, but I will keep that to a minimum. Instead I will try to show how I feel through action (best idea for a blog ever) by saying fuck it all, but hey right now all I’m thinking about is getting used to too many marvelous days in a row and forgetting about pain just so that I can forget about pleasure as well.