Category Archives: Strength

Impermanence

The winter season is coming to an end. The snow feels like rubber and the lifties and disappearing in droves. I recently learned that there is a bonus for lifties that stay until the end of the season which is only weeks away. This has changed my mind and now I want to stay so that I can collect this bonus. There are many more perks about staying right up until the end but this is the main thing that would give me a little boost to get to the next place.

The main point of this paper is about a girl that I met about half way through the season. Early this morning I told her that I loved her. She told me that I shouldn’t say that and that its probably only infatuation. I disagreed. What’s great about this type of interaction is that I don’t care that she didn’t say it back. The fact that I said it in the first place was enough for me. I don’t need it back, I just want to give. It was difficult to make those simple words come out of my mouth. I have not told anyone besides my mother these words for longer than I can remember. It felt so good to get out and now it’s all about action. I will not press this further as she is clearly not ready to move forward with these types of emotions and so I will wait. I will keep on kissing her and taking her out to magical places. I will continue to sex her so good that she will not want to go anywhere else.

Now I feel great about the relationship that we have though I do get nervous about what will happen later. Presently I don’t mind if there are other men involved so long as I hold my own. It’s something of a challenge to keep a solid frame of mind despite these shadows lurking in darker places of my brain. It’s something of a primal instinct to protect the things that you desire. Rationally I can say that I believe in freedom and will never make a demand on another to save themselves for me. It may drive me insane but I will never flinch; so says the mind to the self as the self-chuckles with the wisdom of imperfection.

Getting kicked out of my house was a setback that has made life a bit more difficult but a lot more fun. Instead of spending my nights reading on the futon near a fire, I instead am thrust back into the furnace of the city without a place to go but never searching for a place to be. For now, I am content. I can read and I can write and while it is raining outside currently I am not afraid of where I will go. At any time, I could take off on my journey to the next place but instead I feel a sense of wanting to complete what my current situation is missing. My season at powder mountain and the girl that has done more than any have done for so long.

As the snow melts I find myself more deeply committed to my position in this world. I love what I am doing and yet I know that it can’t last. This is something that I have learned from traveling in the way that I go from place to place with much more thought put to the future than the past. There is an insatiable need to explore the world that drives me away from each ecosystem I create. Like the heartbreak that comes with finishing a great book and a beautiful looking back at what was accomplished. This is just the way things are, impermanent, which then causes me to contemplate the feeling. It’s as if there is a portion of love that comes from the yearning to keep what passes. After this discomfort passes a certain thresh hold we call it love. 

It seems to be less painful to be detached from the past but then there is something so melancholic and satisfying about having moments to cling on to. My past experiences are a source of fulfillment and a way to find meaning in this onslaught of sensory bombardment we refer to as the experience of life. Through pain we grow, and through the willful acceptance of pain do we grow strong. The real currency of this world is the experiences that we carry with us. How we feel these experiences add up into a human being is what give meaning. While it’s sad that these things come to an end I can’t say I would change it for anything.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. There is still at least two weeks left in the season and no way am I about to let this time go by without burning a fire so bright that it will sear a hole so deep into my mental retina that I will be plagued with the greatness of this time for the rest of my life.

The Climb

Being born in the darkest of places were the sun doesn’t shine and nothing can ever grow. Forced to fend off the darker forces of life les then they start to creep inside the mind and take root where it can never be undone. But by the proof of my writing I was able to fend away these beasts of darkness. Living the first part of my life from the back side of a shield with but no sword I grew strong and I grew fast. Eventually it came time to make the climb. There never was anything for me in the blackness and this should have cued me to make climb sooner but for whatever reason I stayed in that place for too long until the blackness started to creep.

Everything in the dark wanted me to stay. Not out of love but from some illness of the mind that wants others for the suffering as if it were a black mass ready and willing for the sacrifice. None of that is for me. Call me callous but it was already too late as I had already decided to leave that place. Trusted individuals came with me and for all their strength most did fall like raindrops before a dark cloud but higher did we press against the wet jagged rock and through the windblown slopes. Demons came upon us but with the strength of the hardened did we fling them back into the pit. Higher and higher still.

When finally, did I get a glimpse of the top I did know if I had the strength to make it to the peak. Rest seems to be something that we cannot afford. Not when our challengers possess so many advantages. Not while I have breath left in my body and the strength to raise my head. These forces that are pushing so intensely against me may have the power to take even my freedom but check it out, I’m still breathing.

I started to push harder. A push that come from somewhere inside of me that I didn’t know was there. With this new push, I was able to take a few more staggering steps in the direction of light and clean air. Right then, from a thousand clouds dropped a great beast. Roaring it smashed all that had climbed and worked so hard for. Laughing it starred me down expecting me to fall. Standing below this beast I slowing raised my body to full stature and then raised my chest. From here I let out a roar.

I’m alive. From right here I have the ability to go anywhere, right now. As my lungs fill with each new breath I can feel that energy flow through my veins and out my fingertips. My words cut through space with the power to change nations. Most important of all my power, the power to create, has not left me. So, from here there is really only one option and that option is forward.

Staring the beast down I began to create my own mountain that rose steadily higher than the precipice that I stood. Leaping from my place under the great beast I dropped through the air like an iron rod falling from space. The ground from which I leaped exploded into a billion peace and the beast fell into the debris sinking back into his pit of darkness. Landing on my own mountain in an explosive crater I began to climb once more.

There is sweat in my eyes now and my legs are on fire to the point that I fear they will stop working at any time, but still I push on. In this place, I know no limits and will continue on right up until the day comes where I collapse and that so cherished power of creation leaves me for good. That day is not here yet and so, without a choice to do anything other than what I do, I carry higher.

Stumblin Up

Nothin to do but stand strong I cant give em my life

Maybe they’ll shoot me down before I get to make things right

Until then its strait grindin one more day at a time

This life might just be a bitch and we will never be fine

So ima sit on down till my vertebri gets stacked

Drift into the ether. Meditative calm I bring back

 

Sometimes I think that I can do this alone

But when that cold wind ablows I get chilled to the bone

True friends are hard to find in the valley of death

It’s a dangerous road but we stand chest abreast

Sun sinking slowing behind the snow-covered peaks

I hear danger strolling towards my way. He stops and he speak

 

I have cleared out whole villages just because they got in my way

And you sit here before me not running way

You must be a fool to even think about tryin

No one that gets here can do it without cryin

But I see the tears in your eyes are for something greater than yourself

For you there is no escape and for that I will help

 

And just like that I changed danger into a friend

Now I walk the same path. I walk knowing no end

On and on goes the struggle, my mind is infested

But I sowllowed that pill now I just have to digest it

I keep on going in circles. I must be insane

But the crack of lighting comes quickly. The crack that is change

 

Honestly I’m calm. I don’t worry too much

My glass is half full and we keep filling it up

Like a tree in the breeze dropping sweet tasting fruit

We got bannanas and apples with some cimimon to boot

Down going forever as deep as my desire

One love, one life. Now it’s time to get higher

Pan and the modern world

There is a thing called character and it would seem that we are born with it. The character is something that continues to develops through the actions that are learnt from parents, friends, and peers. The path of the strong is to take control of this process and escape the limitations placed upon the development of character by society. To remake oneself can be one of the greatest and most pleasurable tasks in life. An artist of artists molding a persona as if it were mud or clay. For most of history only kings had access to the self-consciousness necessary to make these kinds of changes. Gradually the task of self-creation has pervaded many layers of society and now most have been given this responsibility of consciousness. Where we take the ability of self-creation is up to everyone individually and in this paper, I lay out what I feel captures an essential part of what humanity must become and in so doing give the individual an additional tool for the creation of the self.

The Greek god Pan was born of the union between the trickster god Hermes and a wood nymph. At seeing the half man, half goat creator his mother fled back into the forest out of fear. Pan was then brought to Mount Olympus where the gods were delighted by his outrageous form and charming laughter. Pan lords over the mountains, the woodland forests, the gently-flowing streams, and the open pastures of the countryside and in this way, stands in opposition to developed society. His paradoxical nature of being a fierce hunter along with a gifted musician and nimble dancer add to his charm and seductive power.

One of the few gods to die, his death is associated in time with the death and rebirth of Christ. In this sense the death of Pan implies the rejoicing of the greater light of Christianity and the mourning of the passing and separation from societies of more primal instincts. Ultimately Pan became associated with the image of Satan with his semi-bestial appearance, unabashed sexuality, and profound relationship to the world of nature and animal instinctually. Representing a fear of a primal way of life, Pan was demonized and a connection with the grace of nature was forgotten.

The natural world is something of great power that man has feared and fought throughout existence. Today it seems that we have almost won the war for total domination over the environment but in so doing we have lost the way. Focused intently on victory it seems that we have overlooked many of the consequences and now find ourselves naked once again in spite of our garments and articles of clothing.

To revel again in Dionysian ecstasy at the coming of spring. To re-learn the inborn sensitivity to ecosystem that surrounds us. Now is time for the rebirth of Pan and a reunion of the old values in rustic innocence and our most deeply felt passions in the natural world. We need Pan now more than ever. To some this will look like the coming of the Anti-Christ and great societal challenges await his rebirth, but the magic of Pan is that he does not walk where society has set its roads. His way is near the outskirts in the trees and rivers where no set paths have yet been laid. To create from the spirit of dance something alluring with such strength as to sway the foundations of the modern mechanical way of life. What he urges is for us to fully reawaken to the animate qualities of the natural world, thereby reestablishing our relatedness to both nature and our instinctual soul. Pan is far from dead for he keeps on being reborn in all kinds of strange ways.

Cultivating an unstoppable attitude

I write this post from my couch where I do not have the unstoppable attitude. Like most, I am afraid letting my worst judgement get the best of me. Unlike most I have a drive for truth that I may ride from these depths I have fallen into, all the way to whatever bastion of sunlight I desire. From here I make a stand to change and escape the fear common amongst sheep. Ride with me if you want and we can explore the depth of the indolent.

I’m talking about the whip and the ability to tell yourself no. No do not eat that cupcake cupcake, no do not play video games when you know that you should be outside making friends and playing in the sun. The real surprising thing is that I am not naturally drawn to these types of activities. Like most, I am drawn to junk food and television and must put in effort to bring myself to the activities the produce natural good feels. I often ask myself why do I prefer boring darkness when there is such excitement in the world. Only in the dreary do I let the world pass by.

What I mean by better judgment would be the moralistic character or the affinity to do good. Whatever good may be is another thing altogether. The ability to do good is something knowable at any given moment. At times close decisions involving cataclysmic moments in life can make determining the good challenging at times but what I would like to focus on is the ability to do good with all of the small things in life. Eating is the best example that I can think of because what is good to eat is generally staring us in the face and hardly ever gets accomplished perfectly on a long term scale.

All writing above this line has been to achieve something different than the status quo. If I take an honest look at my life I find that I am fairly satisfied. I have had and seized the opportunity for adventure on most turns and now find myself in a world of possibility. Most of what I am upset about is that these things don’t come easy to me, but I could just as easily accept the challenges in life and begin to love the struggle.

In the self-improvement section of any bookstore you will find two types of books. Books that will offer information on how to improve in life, and books on how to accept any shortcomings we might have. While both are important to living a fulfilling life, I have always sided with improving rather than accepting, and so fully self aware I cast myself back into a agonizing pit of striving for self-fulfillment. Sometimes it’s easy, other times I can’t get myself to get out of bed. Here in this blog is where I pour myself and my misery hoping that through writing and self-expression that I might find the keys to this universal mystery.

Must we first come up with a question before we can begin to look for answers or might solutions spontaneously appear even when direction is lost. I can truthfully say that I feel good now, almost bulletproof even. Hoping that I may evade all traps and pitfalls, I still sit here and wait my next down-going.

For the strength to persevere through hard times, to cultivate discipline to direct action towards any goal, growing the courage to set higher goals, wielding wisdom to avoid traps and pitfall, and my the thirst that has yet to be quenched grow deeper and unsatiated everyday. This is an unstoppable attitude. This is something to embody and live each and everyday.

Breaking on through to the other side (why I write)

In life there are many levels to climb. Most of human existence is a striving to get to the next stage, or to a higher level of consciousness. In many situations getting there is as simple as setting a goal and then allowing the body to go through the necessary motions to achieve that goal. Other times frustration can mount as the same obstacles present themselves over and over again. Hard work, persistence and perseverance, confidence and some of the things that will help to get through these types of things but even the best of us find that the universe obstacles in our path that cannot be so easily overcome. My higher aims pertain to motivation, the social sphere, and class. Securing the foundation first and then moving to structure and finally producing a gift for the world. This is the strategy.

Motivation is a bitch and when you don’t have it it can really get you down, which will then get you down even more which can be anti motivational. That’s the trick about it really. Motivation is like a teeter totter. It takes the most energy to get the teeter totter tottering but after you have reached the tipping point it’s like running downhill, which is a lot easier than running uphill. Its when your running downhill is when you get hurt. With greater motivation comes greater pain. Its like the faster you’re moving the more likely you are going to get hurt. Motivation and confidence and very closely related, at least for me and my values I see a person who is ultimately dedicated, concentrated, and moving as a person doing it right. “You must be willing to burn yourself in your own flame”- Confident people are willing to take risks and it’s these risks have the potential to go wrong which can get one down and unmotivated. It starts to look a bit too much like banging your head against the wall (needlessly painful). The thing to remember is that if you bang your head hard enough, the wall moves. A better analogy would be to flow like water to any goal you make. Water is relentless, efficient, and take the easiest path. Like a steady stream begin to pull your dream closer to the present and make the real.

The right words spoken by the right person can be the greatest ladder to that next level. People come and people go. To be passive to the process of friendship is something that works and as far as making many friend it’s not a bad strategy, for sheep are not often lonely. To actively engage in the friendship process bring new stressors to manage and can often times be overwhelming. For myself people are complicated with so many nuances to manage that I find it difficult to create bonds that are stress free. I have confidence that lasting friends will arrive so long as I keep up the habits of making these friends. Actively seeking out interesting things to do and see in order to surround myself with the type of people that I respect the most. Cutting the friendship bonds that are needlessly consuming and not beneficial. Like a cold sociopath I make space in my life for the things that truly matter. Being able to call upon someone when times are tough can be a great source of power. Expressions of abundance are activities for friends as well. Creating a tribe is the next step. It takes a warmth and openness exactly opposite of the sociopath. Something like finding common cause enough to bring people together with enough strength to get through the pricks and pains human proximity. An openness to pain and the fortitude to persevere.

Friendship rational: do the things that you would do with a friend. Keep space for that friend and keep going. Do them as if there was a friend already there. Do them as if there were a group of friends there already. Do them like your a rock star. Now, in my imagination there is a friend next to me working on something similar (typing away). Its a fake it till you make it strategy and I can confidently commit to this without reservation. This feels right. All the focus and perseverance that I have built in myself can now be turned unwavering to this new goal of which I have been shaky before. To climb class I simply do things is a classy way and keep space for classy friends to join my along my journey.

Writing brings clarity to places that were before unclear. This is why I write.

Reconnecting with nature

I have wondered why people find it so interesting to go to scenic places in nature. The connection to the earth doesn’t seem to get to me in the way that others have explained it and the prestige that comes with the pictures doesn’t make sense in and of itself. The only way to give meaning to finding scenic views is the exercise to get there and the possibly the people that join you on the journey. The group can have a quasi meaningful mission that can work as a bonding experience and productive and this gives meaning over something that is meaningless in and of itself. 

Perhaps people, and a deep level understand that these places will not be around for much longer. What we are actually doing is saying our last words to a dying friend and that this is what it really means to connect with nature. To stand in realization to the impermanence of beauty and almost mournfully watch the moments destroy themselves for the creating of the new. 

The past is beautiful and it is something to be missed. No one knows what the future will bring but we can say that it will look different than now. For better or worse it doesn’t really matter. All we are is a striving for a more complete perspective.