Category Archives: Introspection

Break Through

As I start to write this post it’s the first day of the year but by the time I finish it will probably be the second. Going to bed at 10 in the morning and waking up near sundown has a shifting effect on the routine of a day. On this first day of the year, I ate breakfast at the grocery store next to people making the commute home from work. Sometimes I dream of the time when l get a real job and plug in with all of these people doing work in the daylight hours, but for the time being I live by my own rules and have little desire to do anything but. I do not feel like my life is so much better than their as their are many pitfalls to life without rules. The loneliness of the night can be overwhelming at times, and without the working man’s wip to my back I find myself searching for the discipline I could have otherwise had. In hindsight I am always able to laugh because I know that I could have had it no other way. Every choice that has brought me to this point I would make again and again, and from where I sit now life is look pretty fucking great.

 

The Seattle underground is opening up like the first page of favored book given to me by an old friend. Last night for new years I linked up with some friends and to a few different hot spots in the city. Gas Works Park for midnight, jumping around the city til bar close, dubstep under a bridge in Sodo until the sun came up. Creating these types of nights is a skill that I would not be able to do by myself. Some people are naturally able to find the way to the party. They are able to get that conversation that connects them to something larger and are then swept off their feet into a larger adventure. I am not one of these naturals. For me, plugging in with a larger network is something I have always found interesting but is something that takes a great deal of effort and work. For weeks or even months I have been know to go into a sheltered state only to one day emerge like some creature that has lived too long in a dark cave. Many times now have I emerged with the purpose of creating myself into the social creature to meet my needs. There is wisdom that comes from making this transformation.

 

When adjusting yourself to a new situation there will be tension. It can be natural to want to escape uncomfortable emotions and at the beginning of the night you can see the battle that wages inside the people in their desire to leave or find comfort. Their want for adventure and excitement must be fought by pushing through the pain of awkwardness in order to find the reward that is key. This is a principle that extends to many different scenarios in life.

 

In meditation I find this principle affecting me everytime I sit. Sitting for extended periods of time is uncomfortable and focusing on the working of the mind is difficult. There is a point deep within the pain however, where something clicks and I can feel so much tension released from the top of my brain. This tension is something I normally carry with me and can feel it even now. Almost like the top of my brain is wrinkled in a frown preventing me from something lighter and care free. I can lift this feeling from my head but only after I spend much concentrated effort on the task and I can only life it for a short time. To make such a feeling a more permanent change is something I lust for with an air of desperation. Maybe one day, if I only had that something that I don’t have now. Maybe there is a key to this long lasting change. I can’t say that I am sure that something like this is real.

 

In the world of my ideals, change is something to be embraced. Over this past year there have been many changes. Looking back 365 days I would have been working on the mountain in the state of Utah. Over the course of the year business was excellent and a few good friends where made. Great books include- After Capitalism, Hardcore Zen, Flow, The One Thing and so many more I don’t care to mention or can’t seem to remember. I must admit that I am no stronger physically than then, but then was a hard mark to beat. The beautiful women and the ever deepening family bond. I feel good about this coming year. In fact I feel that it’s going to be the best year of my life. I hope it’s nothing like this past year and that I change for all the better because of it.

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Going into the unknown

Agitated to a degree that I will no longer allow me to continue to cope. From inside my mind something new begins to appear. A vision of the world to be. The vision becomes clearer not with time but rather with certain events. It’s these events that drives the hunt, but oh how much I hurt. How much can I take before I become at a loss for everything. Rolled down the dirt until my only habits include eating greasy sugar, gaming in solitude and never making real connections with the world around me. But who’s not searching for the answer to the other side. The next upgrade in the world system. Books; books that teach you something about how to look at the world differently. Eckhart Tolle- The Power of Now put me totally zenned out for months. Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power helped me take over the non-profit organization I was working for at the time. Nietzsche.

From a very young age I can remember having a profound curiosity with the world. Something that developed with the help of my community and the resources of growing up in America. In elementary school it was dinosaurs and rocks.In high school it was evolution and atheism. In college my mind exploded with philosophy. I got into trouble all along the way, mostly because I don’t care too much for convention. I think this whole thing is a joke. Why so serious is my question, and when I’m out in the world making a muckery of things, what good could it possibly do? Because I am making a muckery of things and there are many that would have me stopped.

A lot of what I do gets boggled up because of when I got dislodged from my ideal tregetory way back when. Now I am living the life of the type of person that I wanted to become but with a few major flaws keep me from real life flow. The goal would be an able bodied sailor with a sharp mind, body, and wit.  Ready for anything and happy for a challenge. Well the challenge is this- Don’t be awkward around people you don’t know. Don’t be a casual dick that prevents people from getting close to you. Do bring the fun. Do work hard on the things that are important to you.

It was last night that a friend and I were able to share a new world with three kids that were ripe and ready for the experience. Their enthusiasm lit my world up and I was able to fulfill the teaching role that I am always looking for. It played to my strengths in a way and I was able to learn just as much as even the kid on the bed who reached something of a cosmic state of enlightenment; with his eyes rolled strait up and face contorted in pure concentration, yet still perfectly aware of his surroundings. All three of these guys were completely blown away by the experience and all so grateful. The meekest one of the group nervously confronted me and called me somthing of a god. It’s was too much power and responsibility to be handled by me with his mind so open almost like I could do anything I want. I shaped him with a hammer and chisel, gently and with care, but masculine in character. The third and final dude had a way of relating to me personally in that he understood my vulnerability and played with it in a way that softly coaxed me out and made me aware of my own aggression. A valuable lesson for my improvement. It was my co-conspirator that shook it the most.

There have been a few choices in my past for which I chose the lesser direction when the high road was perfectly available. It comes from a self consciousness that drives me down in class and status. When the higher world makes its appearance I choose the lower path, because I know that am not ready. I could not stand in such a place without the skills of discipline expected of all who make. These things I will learn but for now there is plenty of magic down here to feed off of.

There is much I disagree with my partner over and I have thought about leaving him for a different path but something about his wild character creates such a strong allure that he makes for an attractive enemy. An opponent with the same higher purpose and different methods of getting there. I am pushed to grow in ways I could have never imagined for myself and can feel myself pushed towards a new phase of integration.

The time has come for me to change. Finding inspiration in the minds of others, this golden energy has filled me with abundance and the ability to relate to world on real plane that pierces through fog and bullshit. The irony is that this entire time I have been frantically searching for friends and a sense of belonging when now I understand that my path will be one of solitude and dedication to be achieved first before I find the fruit I am looking for. It’s through social situations that I will make business and learn the rules to define value. The reality is that friends are rare so enjoy the quality time that you spend with them and make sure that they can always feel your love.

Cogito Ergo Sum- I think therefore I am. Wherever you go there you are and there you go shaping the world around you, building new creations, changing. We are all very special (or at least we like to think we are), put on this world to revel in existence for a short time before the greatest plunge into the unknown is taken. Never certain but with a sense that everything is going to be alright. I love all of you and feel like something great is about to happen. I don’t know what is but I know that we are all play a role and that it is of the highest importance that we do it right.

Or maybe I’m crazy and this is the ranting of a lunatic into the cold and unforgiving abyss. But as the saying goes- Stare long enough into the abyss and eventually the abyss stares back.

 

Thanks for reading,

As always, I am passionately searching for the next clue by which I may be uplifted into the next level. Maybe you know what it is. Drop a comment and let me know.

And Then Some

My last post, published a few weeks back was called from nothing to something. The post contains much valuable information for anyone that is struggling with rebuilding their lives and looking to build from a place of need. A few weeks ago, I was face to face with having to build from nothing once again. The frustration that accompanies facing the same problems again and again is either crushing or motivational. When you have nothing, being crushed can be an extremely dangerous thing because when you think you’re at rock bottom, any worse than that and you might find yourself dead. As is always the case, I write these articles not only to help others but also to help myself. I hope that you can find value in my attempts to sort myself out.

First things first, I don’t have nothing and certainly have more than many. I have two hands and two feet, a mostly functioning brain and the ability to speak. And so, I looked at myself and figured out what I can do to get where I need to go. I knew that I needed to get stable in a way that would allow me to progress in the direction that I needed to progress. Here in Seattle the job-hunting process was harder than I expected but at one point it becomes a numbers game and depends on how many resumes you can dish out. For every 10 resumes I sent, I would get less than one phone call in return, and that was resumes where I would put in the research and write a long cover letter. Maybe I need to update my resume or maybe my work history is catching up with me. At this point in my life getting a job is taking some work but eventually I landed just the job I was looking for. I landed a job selling cars for Subaru.

This is possibly the first job that I am putting in full time hours and not working for myself. For the first few weeks this was useful and I made it through my first two weeks on spending less than fifty bucks which I ended up needing to spend on work clothes and gas for the car. There is much that I need to learn and I have been hitting it as hard as I can. Fortunately, I have experience in door to door sales making this car thing a breeze. When on the door people tell you to “get the fuck off my door.” Here at the dealership they come to you say “Hi, I’d like to purchase a car.” Selling cars is easy and I have already sold three. It’s managing the relationships with my coworkers that I have a problem with.

There has been an old dog that has been following me for my entire life and that is some sort of social awkwardness that now, at age 26 has become a real problem. I find that in group situations, especially the situations that matter the most, I can’t find anything to say. I used to think that it was social anxiety but with my all my experience in meditation I can crush most anxieties within moments. I now am rethinking how to handle my emotions in these social situations. Part of me thinks that I should chill out to the max, but I want to speak and be a part of what people are doing. This social stuntedness is possibly the biggest demon of my life right now and something that many people don’t understand about me when they get to know me. Some people never see it and many people believe me to be someone to look up to when it comes to social situations. I hope that with a healthy bit of money this problem will go away but sometimes I don’t know.

This post has been something of a soap box but I write these posts to sort myself out. Maybe there is someone that will read that may have some advice or maybe you can relate to my story and feel less alone. The idea behind this blog to find the social connection and the wisdom that can be shared between one another. If you know anything that might help, please let me know. I am open to learning we just need to meet halfway.

Car life>hammock life, sometimes 

Car life is great. I can’t wait to take it to the coast where I will be able to explore from my super mobile home. For now, I am still in the building phase and am working on building the car into the home of my dreams. It needs a passenger window, new carpet, and there are a few cosmetic improvements that can be made. I have been watching different youtube videos that people have made that show off the different style of living that people have invented for their subarus. Some of the youtubers have solar and water collector which is a bit beyond my price point, but a wooden framed that fits into the back seat would be nice. Maybe some cardboard cutouts to fit onto the windows. A disco ball. A play for two.

Currently, I live on the outside of society. Not having a single place that I stay and call home makes it so that I am something other than main stream. Not having a mailing address is difficult in that my first check from where I work will be sent to a location that I do not reside in. All government documentation is mailed and I am currently using my mothers address who lives 5 states away. It’s frustrating that society assumes that you live in a house and if you don’t then you are going to have to figure these nuanced things out. I signed up for this however, and do not regret my decision. At this very moment I sit in a coffee shop next to people that dress like they have a house, a car, a job… Most of these people have probably been going to the same job for years and have savings accounts and maybe even a house. I am so far removed from this type of life that I now feel on the outside looking in. I am beginning to wonder if starting a career and saving up enough money to “fit back in” with the mainstream might be the things that I want to do. (Reading this paragraph through I think- classic, a guy that lives in the rough desires comfort).

The people I went to school with have all graduated and are now making more money than they have an idea of what to do with. I don’t have a way to grasp how much I owe in school loans and also don’t have a definite plan of paying it off. My school friends make plans to travel but something like three years down the road, after they have saved up enough money to make the trip in luxury. That looks like a really good idea for the perspective of my car, but there is no way I could ever wait that long.

I value the experiences that I have had so far but wonder if I might be able to choose a better path for myself. One adventure to the next is something that would be hard to give up, maybe impossible. The wear and tear of life feels like it might get to me at some point and I might then be forced into choosing something different. For now I will continue down the path of the unknown. I wish to be in Australia and that is where my sight still lies. A month or two of work and then I will be off to continue with the great adventure. I will need to figure out how to make money doing the coast over the next few months. This week will be focused on the car. Next week I cannot say. The week after that is still a greater mystery and from then until death anything could happen.

Australia baby here I come

It feels like it’s all going to work out and come together just in the nick of time. It’s been too long that I have been under pressure to complete some task without the necessary resources, but now I have what I need to make the leap across the sea. All my bags are packed and I’m ready to go. As of today, there are two weeks until I leave for Australia. I do not know what I will get into in the remaining two weeks but I am sure that it will be an adventure worth writing about.

After working at Powder Mountain ski resort for the winter I returned to Colorado with 50 dollars and came to start saving money for the trip I am about to depart on. I was able to do exactly what I set out to do here in CO and was able to partake in a few extra adventures along the way. Some of which include working as a bartender for my first time, pirate party festival in Montana, getting a motorcycle, the hail storm, and then general adventuring around the city and in the mountains. There were more setbacks that I am willing to admit, and I am still working on not reacting negatively when life gives you the ol’ one two. Surely, I am making my way.

This past weekend I visited the family in Minnesota and was able to see all the close members that I have not seen too long. My mom’s new house, my brother’s awesome life, and my dad’s cabin in the woods. I know that I will miss them more than anything and this visit will be like my last breath of air as I plunge beneath the surface of America and my home.

There is so much to do. I still have not bought my plane ticket and will need to get on that as soon as I have my passport in had. I will need to figure out what to do with my remaining two weeks. The choice is between riding Vegas pedicabs or going to Portland to explore. I am leaning towards portland but cannot say for sure. I will make my decision at the last possible moment. Contacting my pedicab friends in CO and asking them if they want to go to Vegas is another option.

I am spending less of my time looking back. When I do look back it’s to learn from the past. To think about my wrongs and ways that I can correct so that when I am overseas I do not make mistakes that could potentially be catastrophic. More of my thought is put into the future and as the day come closer and closer I become more and more excited. I am sure that things will not go according to plan. I feel like they will go better, actually. Some things that are within the plan that I am looking forward to are things like pedicabbing in Melbourne, getting barreled on a surfboard, learning to scuba dive, seeing friends that are living on the other side of the world, living and loving in and outside of a car. Australia baby here I come!

Handling Escapism

I would wager that just about everyone has some form of escapism that they engage in on the daily. A fraction of these people recognize the opportunities that are missed because of the time that is spent on something that is not in direct attainment of life’s goals. For me, its most obvious in the urge to play video games comes because I have shortcomings in other parts of my life. In order to change my focus to something that I am competent in, I turn to video games to get a sense of gratification that I am not getting in the real world. It can be extremely challenging to keep from turning to these types of escapism when faced with overwhelming obstacles. In order to get at the root of escapism I have a few penetrating questions. Where do these negative emotions come from? Why is it that I am unable to control myself when confronted with these emotions? What could be some possible solutions for living a better life?

Firstly, defining what constitutes a negative emotion that then turns me to escapism. From the position that I sit in now it seems entirely irrational to do anything but build myself to overcome in the face of adversity, but this is not the case. One instance of a source of these negative emotions comes from going out at night in order to have fun and meet new people. Not all the time but often enough these events can cascade downward so that when I am leaving the bar I feel alone in that I was unable to make a solid connection with anyone that I met that night. This does not happen often but when it does it can be hard to deal with. Other things that can be hard to deal with are things like shortcomings at work, run-ins with the bad side of the law, and arguments between friends. These are the type of things that cause negative emotions and thus give rise to the will to escape from it all.

The ideal version of myself grows stronger when faced with adversity and at times I have experienced such a thing. A willpower arise that detaches emotionally in order to achieve the desired outcome. Other times a weakness that desires to neglect the reality of the situation in favor of something lazy and shameful wins. I can only understand the ebb and flow of these two internal drives as a necessity of life and therefor I must prepare for both.

Building a life that is full of positive emotions so that one would never even be tempted by escapism sounds disagreeable. This is not to say that I would do anything but pursue my dream of dreams, it’s just that I feel that anything worth doing should be challenging and therefore will include trying situations. For me, it’s not about finding the path free of road bumps but more so about strengthening the self in order to handle any road bump that might occur; and so I turn my attention to the weakest version of myself and ask: What’s wrong? Why are you unable to do what you know to be right? Is it a lack of courage or maybe you just don’t want it bad enough? From the heightened perspective of where I sit now I can offer few words that might help. Remember that life is short and that greatness can only be achieved by those who work for it. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, so take your time and start small. Just remember to keep moving forward. Like the butterfly that created the hurricane, a small step in the right direction could be the first step to shift the minds of millions. Without the first step, there is nothing.

So yeah. Writing is where I do my most precise introspective work and by publishing this online I hope that it may help anyone that stumbles upon my work. If you thought about anything at all while reading please leave a comment. I love to hear other perspectives and to build a community is some of the greatest thing we do as humans and I am looking forward to all of it.