As I start to write this post it’s the first day of the year but by the time I finish it will probably be the second. Going to bed at 10 in the morning and waking up near sundown has a shifting effect on the routine of a day. On this first day of the year, I ate breakfast at the grocery store next to people making the commute home from work. Sometimes I dream of the time when l get a real job and plug in with all of these people doing work in the daylight hours, but for the time being I live by my own rules and have little desire to do anything but. I do not feel like my life is so much better than their as their are many pitfalls to life without rules. The loneliness of the night can be overwhelming at times, and without the working man’s wip to my back I find myself searching for the discipline I could have otherwise had. In hindsight I am always able to laugh because I know that I could have had it no other way. Every choice that has brought me to this point I would make again and again, and from where I sit now life is look pretty fucking great.
The Seattle underground is opening up like the first page of favored book given to me by an old friend. Last night for new years I linked up with some friends and to a few different hot spots in the city. Gas Works Park for midnight, jumping around the city til bar close, dubstep under a bridge in Sodo until the sun came up. Creating these types of nights is a skill that I would not be able to do by myself. Some people are naturally able to find the way to the party. They are able to get that conversation that connects them to something larger and are then swept off their feet into a larger adventure. I am not one of these naturals. For me, plugging in with a larger network is something I have always found interesting but is something that takes a great deal of effort and work. For weeks or even months I have been know to go into a sheltered state only to one day emerge like some creature that has lived too long in a dark cave. Many times now have I emerged with the purpose of creating myself into the social creature to meet my needs. There is wisdom that comes from making this transformation.
When adjusting yourself to a new situation there will be tension. It can be natural to want to escape uncomfortable emotions and at the beginning of the night you can see the battle that wages inside the people in their desire to leave or find comfort. Their want for adventure and excitement must be fought by pushing through the pain of awkwardness in order to find the reward that is key. This is a principle that extends to many different scenarios in life.
In meditation I find this principle affecting me everytime I sit. Sitting for extended periods of time is uncomfortable and focusing on the working of the mind is difficult. There is a point deep within the pain however, where something clicks and I can feel so much tension released from the top of my brain. This tension is something I normally carry with me and can feel it even now. Almost like the top of my brain is wrinkled in a frown preventing me from something lighter and care free. I can lift this feeling from my head but only after I spend much concentrated effort on the task and I can only life it for a short time. To make such a feeling a more permanent change is something I lust for with an air of desperation. Maybe one day, if I only had that something that I don’t have now. Maybe there is a key to this long lasting change. I can’t say that I am sure that something like this is real.
In the world of my ideals, change is something to be embraced. Over this past year there have been many changes. Looking back 365 days I would have been working on the mountain in the state of Utah. Over the course of the year business was excellent and a few good friends where made. Great books include- After Capitalism, Hardcore Zen, Flow, The One Thing and so many more I don’t care to mention or can’t seem to remember. I must admit that I am no stronger physically than then, but then was a hard mark to beat. The beautiful women and the ever deepening family bond. I feel good about this coming year. In fact I feel that it’s going to be the best year of my life. I hope it’s nothing like this past year and that I change for all the better because of it.