Category Archives: Story

Impermanence

The winter season is coming to an end. The snow feels like rubber and the lifties and disappearing in droves. I recently learned that there is a bonus for lifties that stay until the end of the season which is only weeks away. This has changed my mind and now I want to stay so that I can collect this bonus. There are many more perks about staying right up until the end but this is the main thing that would give me a little boost to get to the next place.

The main point of this paper is about a girl that I met about half way through the season. Early this morning I told her that I loved her. She told me that I shouldn’t say that and that its probably only infatuation. I disagreed. What’s great about this type of interaction is that I don’t care that she didn’t say it back. The fact that I said it in the first place was enough for me. I don’t need it back, I just want to give. It was difficult to make those simple words come out of my mouth. I have not told anyone besides my mother these words for longer than I can remember. It felt so good to get out and now it’s all about action. I will not press this further as she is clearly not ready to move forward with these types of emotions and so I will wait. I will keep on kissing her and taking her out to magical places. I will continue to sex her so good that she will not want to go anywhere else.

Now I feel great about the relationship that we have though I do get nervous about what will happen later. Presently I don’t mind if there are other men involved so long as I hold my own. It’s something of a challenge to keep a solid frame of mind despite these shadows lurking in darker places of my brain. It’s something of a primal instinct to protect the things that you desire. Rationally I can say that I believe in freedom and will never make a demand on another to save themselves for me. It may drive me insane but I will never flinch; so says the mind to the self as the self-chuckles with the wisdom of imperfection.

Getting kicked out of my house was a setback that has made life a bit more difficult but a lot more fun. Instead of spending my nights reading on the futon near a fire, I instead am thrust back into the furnace of the city without a place to go but never searching for a place to be. For now, I am content. I can read and I can write and while it is raining outside currently I am not afraid of where I will go. At any time, I could take off on my journey to the next place but instead I feel a sense of wanting to complete what my current situation is missing. My season at powder mountain and the girl that has done more than any have done for so long.

As the snow melts I find myself more deeply committed to my position in this world. I love what I am doing and yet I know that it can’t last. This is something that I have learned from traveling in the way that I go from place to place with much more thought put to the future than the past. There is an insatiable need to explore the world that drives me away from each ecosystem I create. Like the heartbreak that comes with finishing a great book and a beautiful looking back at what was accomplished. This is just the way things are, impermanent, which then causes me to contemplate the feeling. It’s as if there is a portion of love that comes from the yearning to keep what passes. After this discomfort passes a certain thresh hold we call it love. 

It seems to be less painful to be detached from the past but then there is something so melancholic and satisfying about having moments to cling on to. My past experiences are a source of fulfillment and a way to find meaning in this onslaught of sensory bombardment we refer to as the experience of life. Through pain we grow, and through the willful acceptance of pain do we grow strong. The real currency of this world is the experiences that we carry with us. How we feel these experiences add up into a human being is what give meaning. While it’s sad that these things come to an end I can’t say I would change it for anything.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. There is still at least two weeks left in the season and no way am I about to let this time go by without burning a fire so bright that it will sear a hole so deep into my mental retina that I will be plagued with the greatness of this time for the rest of my life.

The Climb

Being born in the darkest of places were the sun doesn’t shine and nothing can ever grow. Forced to fend off the darker forces of life les then they start to creep inside the mind and take root where it can never be undone. But by the proof of my writing I was able to fend away these beasts of darkness. Living the first part of my life from the back side of a shield with but no sword I grew strong and I grew fast. Eventually it came time to make the climb. There never was anything for me in the blackness and this should have cued me to make climb sooner but for whatever reason I stayed in that place for too long until the blackness started to creep.

Everything in the dark wanted me to stay. Not out of love but from some illness of the mind that wants others for the suffering as if it were a black mass ready and willing for the sacrifice. None of that is for me. Call me callous but it was already too late as I had already decided to leave that place. Trusted individuals came with me and for all their strength most did fall like raindrops before a dark cloud but higher did we press against the wet jagged rock and through the windblown slopes. Demons came upon us but with the strength of the hardened did we fling them back into the pit. Higher and higher still.

When finally, did I get a glimpse of the top I did know if I had the strength to make it to the peak. Rest seems to be something that we cannot afford. Not when our challengers possess so many advantages. Not while I have breath left in my body and the strength to raise my head. These forces that are pushing so intensely against me may have the power to take even my freedom but check it out, I’m still breathing.

I started to push harder. A push that come from somewhere inside of me that I didn’t know was there. With this new push, I was able to take a few more staggering steps in the direction of light and clean air. Right then, from a thousand clouds dropped a great beast. Roaring it smashed all that had climbed and worked so hard for. Laughing it starred me down expecting me to fall. Standing below this beast I slowing raised my body to full stature and then raised my chest. From here I let out a roar.

I’m alive. From right here I have the ability to go anywhere, right now. As my lungs fill with each new breath I can feel that energy flow through my veins and out my fingertips. My words cut through space with the power to change nations. Most important of all my power, the power to create, has not left me. So, from here there is really only one option and that option is forward.

Staring the beast down I began to create my own mountain that rose steadily higher than the precipice that I stood. Leaping from my place under the great beast I dropped through the air like an iron rod falling from space. The ground from which I leaped exploded into a billion peace and the beast fell into the debris sinking back into his pit of darkness. Landing on my own mountain in an explosive crater I began to climb once more.

There is sweat in my eyes now and my legs are on fire to the point that I fear they will stop working at any time, but still I push on. In this place, I know no limits and will continue on right up until the day comes where I collapse and that so cherished power of creation leaves me for good. That day is not here yet and so, without a choice to do anything other than what I do, I carry higher.

Stumblin Up

Nothin to do but stand strong I cant give em my life

Maybe they’ll shoot me down before I get to make things right

Until then its strait grindin one more day at a time

This life might just be a bitch and we will never be fine

So ima sit on down till my vertebri gets stacked

Drift into the ether. Meditative calm I bring back

 

Sometimes I think that I can do this alone

But when that cold wind ablows I get chilled to the bone

True friends are hard to find in the valley of death

It’s a dangerous road but we stand chest abreast

Sun sinking slowing behind the snow-covered peaks

I hear danger strolling towards my way. He stops and he speak

 

I have cleared out whole villages just because they got in my way

And you sit here before me not running way

You must be a fool to even think about tryin

No one that gets here can do it without cryin

But I see the tears in your eyes are for something greater than yourself

For you there is no escape and for that I will help

 

And just like that I changed danger into a friend

Now I walk the same path. I walk knowing no end

On and on goes the struggle, my mind is infested

But I sowllowed that pill now I just have to digest it

I keep on going in circles. I must be insane

But the crack of lighting comes quickly. The crack that is change

 

Honestly I’m calm. I don’t worry too much

My glass is half full and we keep filling it up

Like a tree in the breeze dropping sweet tasting fruit

We got bannanas and apples with some cimimon to boot

Down going forever as deep as my desire

One love, one life. Now it’s time to get higher

Mediation for Psychonauts

The first words person said to me once were “Hey man, want to take some acid?” That was something said to me back when I was in college and that person turned into a good friend. I had never done acid before but even since tripping on mushroom in high school the acid thing had been on my to do list. At that moment when he propositioned me with the tripping idea I had never even had to chance to say yes to such a thing, but it felt right and so I took two hits acid with him and his friends.

The night was filled with many different adventures anywhere from shouting at trains to falling into a moat that surround the prison in the forest behind my house. The moment that really stuck out to me about that night did not take place in the world per say. It happened in my own mind (much like every moment I suppose but bear with me). I remember there being this kid that would not shut up. All night he would jibber jabber about nothing important. Sitting there in the same room as him I decided to tune him out. Finding this easy to do I shortly discovered that there was a song going on in the back of my head and so I decided to tune that out as well. Then I noticed my feet and other extremities which I would then tune out as well working all the way down through my mind until I found myself looking down at my own body from about two feet above my own head. Needless to say, this experience took me by surprise and just like that I snapped back into my own body and started looking around the room with my eyes, once again. Exclaiming to my friends at my new discovery I prepared to go back into that amazing state of mind but found that I could not. There were too many distractions and when I would try to tune things out they would pop right back into my head moments later.

The experience of leaving my body had such a profound impact on me that it lead to an acid binge that would last the better half of a year, all focused on getting back to that point of being outside the body. I have heard that this type of search, the type of search where you are looking for that first high that felt so right but can’t ever quite get back is called, chasing the dragon. I have not had an out of body experience since that first acid trip and honestly, don’t really care if I do or not.

Now days I am open to such a thing happening but have lost touch with the thirst that took me during my college days. Now I am finding different states of consciousness that are far more interesting than what acid can be. Acid is a great drug to try and can make for some magical experiences but there is too much muck that comes with the territory and the muck is what I want to avoid more than anything. Now I focus on a type of pure relaxation while simultaneously being completely focused. This type of state is found most often while doing simple mediations. Most of the time I just sit and try not to think. Man, oh man, there are times when I can feel some internal source of frustration building upon itself and eventually pop to leave me in a state of calm that I did not know were possible These states are becoming more powerful as I get better at meditating and I feel like there is something even bigger coming up soon. I wonder what it will be.

There are also flow states which happen when you engage your mind in something so fully that your brain kicks into over drive almost like going super saiyen or something. New abilities will flow from my mind and out my body so forcefully sometimes that I find it hard to believe that I even had the power to do such a thing.

Health foods and a solid sleep cycle followed by a solid workout right to the brink of exhaustion and one can find themselves higher than a fucking kite. It can be hard to convince people just how high you can get when doing these types of activities though as I know all too well from when I was an active member of that class. I think the pull of these drugs is the simplicity. It’s like you can either spend 1k hours practicing meditation or you can just eat some paper and get there in half an hour but its not like that. Real human power comes from honing skills so that they can be expressed within any moment. To create the conditions for these type of things is something that generally takes lots of work. All that being said I am super open to micro dosing and treating it something like a vitamin.

I have known people that can get fucked up every day of the week and any drug you can think of and be perfectly ready to go to class the next day. I am not one of these people. I have done a lot of different drugs in my life and many of these drugs I have done many times and most of these guys will floor me for a day after taking them. Most of these drugs I will never try again and can hardly think why I thought it was such a good idea at the time. I have sacrificed much for this wisdom but at least I have the ability to share with you now through the medium of writing. Shrooms and dmt. That’s it. Fuck everything else.

I once knew a kid that tried to convince me that drinking cough syrup was the most spiritually enlightening thing that anyone can do. I look at most people that push drugs the same way I looked at the cough syrup guy. Like fucking twat pushers. So, to anyone like me in the fact that I am fairly intelligent and able to fit smoothly into many different social situations and wanting to experiment with the psychedelics, I would say to wait until you have found the right people. This experiences will have a massive effect on you and should only be done with people that you admire and want to become. Learn from what you go through and in the end fasting for three days will bring more insight and get you higher than you can ever get on acid. End of story.

A skibum in the purest sense of the word

Mover to the mountain 4 weeks ago, and have been able to get on the generosity of mountain people high and low. First it was finding the first couch to sleep on, then it was finding gear, now it’s about all the simple things that each person has to offer. You see, most people have gifts inside spring wrapped just waiting for someone to come along and unwrap them. Is it not the giver who owes thanks because the receiver revived? Today most people are too caught up in their own ways to understand people around them and figure out what kind of gifts can be shared. Most people find it to be a release to finally find a person who is will to accept their sincerity as a person. Really, it’s all about talking to other people to find out what their stories are and where they come from and maintaining that focus on that person even after your basic needs have been filled. It’s about the art of seduction.

Mountain rules are different from anywhere else. We have an entire team of pothead lifties and enough snow to make pot stations all over the mountain. It’s not as if we don’t care about the rules, its more that the rules don’t apply to us. Just the other day, during our start of the day meeting, it reeked of weed. The guy that’s in charge of the lifties made a special appearance and gave a speech where he did not tell us not to smoke, rather he told us not to get caught. One of the greatest speeches I have heard in my life.

The mountain is in Utah and with that comes many people who live a life by the book. No drugs, no sex, and no fun. Just kidding on that last part. On the contrary they can be lots of fun as well as easy to deal with. I have already gotten myself into many a religious conversation in which we try and persuade each other of something neither of us is going to believe in (this has been one of my favorite pastimes for a while now).

I have started to embrace my inner roguishness and have begun the seduction of someone who is already in a relationship. I figure that most people already expect me to pull something amoral like that and now that I am actively engaged in it makes everything seem smoother and fit nicer. Could cause a firestorm with me taking on all the old time lifties that have each other backs on the mountain. This would be a fight that I could not win, although I might be able to make off with the treasure before anyone is aware. I should say that I find it nice to have a challenge for a seduction. It’s exciting this way.

Friday night currently and I thought that I had a party lined up, but now I can’t find the address and I saved the contact under the wrong number and will have to wait until I see him on the mountain in order to get his info for a second time. I almost gave up on the night and resigned myself to studying something that could prove to be super valuable in terms of learning but not what I am looking for out of a Friday night. We will still see where the night will bring.

Every night for me is a challenge to find a place to sleep. Over the past week, I have been able to bounce from house to house. What has been really awesome has been learning everyone’s inner lives. They take me into their home and share with me their lifestyle. If I had a house to go to every night I would leave before things even got interesting. I would gladly pay for my currently lifestyle if only there were some way to make things dependable. Instead, when I have nowhere to go I wander the city, moving from coffee shop to coffee shop hoping that something might work itself out. I really do love my lifestyle and hope to be persuasive to anyone reading that has got the skill and the balls to pack up and move in somewhat of the same direction. I have told you it’s rough, in the future I will focus on the reward.

 

Towering above mountain, cast in shadow, eyes red

The demon named weakness calls you out of your bed

He says choose quickly, the fate of many rests in your small hands

To fight now and to forever or to lay down under my command

 

So soft and so sweet do his words lay into your mind

As if there is truth in relaxation. To sleep is divine

So tempting and sweet does deep darkness seem to be

Here we are shackled, in sleep we are free

 

Once we were stardust and to that we are bound

Any purpose beyond the wave is something I have not yet found

So easy it would be, to let go of the fight

Surrender to the pleasantness and become one with the light

 

But something inside you that will not let go

You try to control it but still it says no

This force it controls you and it says no time for rest

Bigger and better and you bang on your chest

 

Screaming at the demon we know only through fear

Screaming I will fight on and on hind legs you rear

You charge strain ahead ignoring the pain

You charge straight ahead with eyes set aflame

 

Now troubled our demon who cannot understand

He thinks that what drives you can be under his command

But you and I know better how this story will be told

The demon is you and the lesson: be bold

 

Shelter

It’s amazing living our here in Utah. I am shocked that I have been given the opportunity to ride the mountain all winter long. Still, I am baffled that humans find it enjoyable to ride down snow as fast as they can. When I think about it, snowboarding doesn’t make any sense. When I do it, snowboarding doesn’t need to make sense. A fairy tale without strife or challenge has no appeal to a man like myself and in this dystopian world that I traverse there are many obstacles. On one hand, I live with a privileged class of people who have enough money to put most of their time to snowboarding. On the other hand, I am out of money and don’t have a regular place to sleep and have been couch surfing for over two weeks now. This story is about sleeping in a shelter.

I started my night with dinner and a girl that I met online. In my mind I felt a desire to sleep at her house but I would not betray my real intentions. I was a gentleman and we had a good time. I didn’t need to ask to be able to tell that she was not the type to let someone sleep over after a first date and so I left graciously with a kiss. Making it back to my city of Ogden I wandered, looked up hotel prices, and eventually called the shelter. The pastor in charge of the shelter told me to stop by for some space in the dormitory. When I arrived, most people were already asleep. They gave me a sleeping bag and made some space for myself in the center of the room with the rest of the homeless. It was difficult getting to sleep because there was a younger man who would moan loudly. When I got a glimpse of him it looked like he was drooling on the floor. Eventually someone asked if he was sick and took him to a different room. Only then did I fall asleep.

I was awake before anyone else and eventually the pastor came in to get everyone up. Like a disturbed rooster, he called out loudly “wake up time” and then left. It was easy for me to pack up all my stuff and be out of the dormitory quickly. I was about to leave when the pastor asked if anyone would volunteer to shovel the sidewalks, and so I shoveled. By the time I was done they were serving breakfast and so I sat and ate with all of the people I had slept with the night before; there were about 40 of us. We were served a bowl of watery oatmeal and donuts but by the time I got to the donut part of the line they were all gone. I sat inconspicuously and ate my oatmeal trying not to draw attention to myself. Eventually people filled in to the seats besides me to eat their breakfast. Conversation revolved mostly around the poor quality of the food and how the place was mismanaged. After I was done with my meal I thanked the pastor for the food and the warm place to sleep. I tried to make eye contact with him but he seemed unfazed and simply nodded his approval. It was as if everyone in that building had been infected with a disease that made them numb to the world around them. As I was left I was scoffed at by a member of the church for not staying for service, but I had had enough and I was out the door.

At breakfast, I remember thinking of Nietzsche’s slave morality and resentment. The people in that room were filled with a victim mentality, cynicism, and sheer laziness more so that I have ever seen before. They hated the food that they had just been given for free. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around what these people must have gone through to get to such point in life. Most of them were over the age of 40 and I had no idea how they would be able to continue in spite of so much misery. Even the pastor, through his mission for god, had been infected with the disease. The economy of emotions had not been generous to these people and I did not feel that I could do much good by sticking around.

There are always sparks of light in any place. The old man I shoved with did a warm up jig that we all thought was pretty funny and there was a younger boy who helped serve the food who seemed more innocent than his age. I do not know where I will sleep tonight and I may head back to the shelter if I do not find something by a decent time. It would be a time to raise a shield to the negative energy as I traverse through dim and dingy places on my way to something higher. As for today I will put it out of my mind with ease as head to the mountain to hang out with my more privileged friends. The mountain is something I am thankful for as it makes all my time spent in these places worth it. All for that next run down the slopes.

The wise man knows he’s a fool

It was fun to party on the beech with the Lahina kids. We had even worked out a method that could take us to exactly where we wanted to be. Fred could stick a bottle of liquor between his belt and belly and must have walked away with over 15 bottles the week I was there. We would then walk down the shore to where the resort beaches where located and we would party.   
It was an idealistic way to fuck around on the beech from the beech bum position, but there was no trust between friends and the group was constantly turning on the weakest member of the group. It was draining spiritually and I knew when I started that I would be usurped of my stamina within a short amount of time. 

Having been drained I decided to sell my jeep and move back to New Orleans. Many people were inquiring about the sale and my schedule was full. If the jeep would have sold I would have moved to Nola immediately; and then I met Joesyia. 

Joesyia was man I had known from the island for a long time. I was a big fan of his brothers and hung out with his brother as much as I could without becoming attached. Joesyia came to look at my jeep. He didn’t end up buying the jeep but he did end up offering me a job and a house to live in. I moved in that same day and training began.

  
The first three days were dedicated to healing my mind and body. I didn’t eat food and everyday we would put colloidal silver on my ankle to heal a staff infection I had developed. After I had healed we knocked doors for solar sales and things became somewhat normal besides the ohms in public places. I would wake up and exercise, meditate, and read. It was progressive and I was loving life. Training eventually came to an end and I had to leave the house. I went into the woods. 

  
I drove the jeep out past Hanna where I knew if an ahowaska ceremony that took place every month. The jeep could only go so far and the walk was long and wet. Showing up dripping I found Anti to ask if I could participate in the ceremony. She told me that there they were already overbooked and could not fit me in, I should have called to get on the list. Leaving I was sad that I had came so far to be turned away so easily. Right as I was about to leave one of the farm workers found me. He told me that if I could find some work to be done around the farm and kept my head down I might be able to get in. One of the girls needed help picking flowers and we went skipping through the fields to pick. Later I asked Anti if there had been any cancelations. She looked at me and said “I am going to go ahead and say no. There is just not enough room. Remember to get on the list next time and, try not to take it personally.”

I took it personally and made for the long walk home. My jeep broke down on the road home and after spending the night in the back seat I packed up and hitched my way out of Hanna leaving the jeep behind. 

  
I write this passage from an old and run down bus that has been refashioned to be a lounge for the workers of the farm. We wake up early and work until sunset two days a week. Most of what we build is for the party in October and I am working on sleeping in the dome but first it must be built. 

It feels right here. The people are far out and more real than anything I have found this far. This chapter of my life will look and feel like a fairy tail and I can’t wait to see how it unfolds. 

I am batman

 
Why is batman so great? I mean the guy doesn’t have any superpowers and only ever fights to save one city, never the world let alone the universe. There is a reason why batman chirps on my heart strings and that is because the focus of the sirese is on how strong can a man can be. Batman sees Gotham city as himself and can take whatever load the city will ask him to take. This is because he is batman, and batman is strong. 

The theft that happened at the zipline came back to bite yesterday. I was at a Grateful Dead show down at Charlie’s in Paia and I ran into all the old guys that I used to work with. It was the first time that we met face to face since the theft and most of them were still looking for recompense. I made it a point to talk to each of them and soon I found myself encircled by five of them outside the bar. There were plenty of people around so I was not too afraid of getting my ass kicked and I was not going to cower because of a false accusations. 

They could see my resolve and they attempted to take it out of me through psychological warfare which I would not let take a hold of me. I am a strong. At another point durning the night I found myself walking up to their territory of the bar and dancing to “box of rain” right in front of them. In my mind this was a “can’t we all just dance and forget about this nonsense message” but to some of them it might have looked a bit more like “I stole from you and now I am dancing in yo face” kind of message. 

For the record: I stole nothing from them. I am responsible for bringing the person who did steal from them onto the premise and for that I am guilty but never would I steal from another person. 

The night ended and I walked out of the bar with a beautiful woman, and I was happy and winning. 

 
The following day my new roommates and I adventured all over Maui. We skinny dipped in the mermaid pools, we pick mushrooms near Hanna, we sang and ate coconuts from the trees. As the sun was setting we find ourselves on the beech dancing within a drum circle. I could not plan a better day than that if you asked me to. 

   

 As we were leaving one of the meatier headed zipliner (not an actual employee of the zipline but only a friend) who had been part of the posy to confront me the night prior at the bar goes to approach my new friends. He congratulates them on their upbeat attitude and introduced himself to each. He then takes the stage and royally calls me a thief right in front of everyone. The hate that came from this man was the most negative energy that I have ever had thrown at me in my life and I would not have anything to do with it. Most of the friends in my group had already heard my side of the story and I wasted no time defending myself to this sick thing before my feet. I shamed him for his misconduct and deception to my friends and he was the first to walk away. The girls in the group where shocked at the amount of hate that had been directed my way and this morning I was asked to leave my place of residence. What amazes me now is my reaction to the person that stole and got me into this predicament. 

  
I write this post from a coffee shop in Lahina and I know that I will see my friend soon. My friend that has caused me so much misfortune and hard work. For some reason I still believe in this friend. Unlike 99.99999% of people in this world or even on this island, this friend made it past the basic relationship and has become a brother and because of that will believe in this man despite everything that he has put me through. Because he is my brother I will not tell him of all these things that he has put me through. He does not need to be reminded of his past when he too is on the road of change. Why do I do this? Maybe it’s because I too am batman. 

Small kind.