Impermanence

The winter season is coming to an end. The snow feels like rubber and the lifties and disappearing in droves. I recently learned that there is a bonus for lifties that stay until the end of the season which is only weeks away. This has changed my mind and now I want to stay so that I can collect this bonus. There are many more perks about staying right up until the end but this is the main thing that would give me a little boost to get to the next place.

The main point of this paper is about a girl that I met about half way through the season. Early this morning I told her that I loved her. She told me that I shouldn’t say that and that its probably only infatuation. I disagreed. What’s great about this type of interaction is that I don’t care that she didn’t say it back. The fact that I said it in the first place was enough for me. I don’t need it back, I just want to give. It was difficult to make those simple words come out of my mouth. I have not told anyone besides my mother these words for longer than I can remember. It felt so good to get out and now it’s all about action. I will not press this further as she is clearly not ready to move forward with these types of emotions and so I will wait. I will keep on kissing her and taking her out to magical places. I will continue to sex her so good that she will not want to go anywhere else.

Now I feel great about the relationship that we have though I do get nervous about what will happen later. Presently I don’t mind if there are other men involved so long as I hold my own. It’s something of a challenge to keep a solid frame of mind despite these shadows lurking in darker places of my brain. It’s something of a primal instinct to protect the things that you desire. Rationally I can say that I believe in freedom and will never make a demand on another to save themselves for me. It may drive me insane but I will never flinch; so says the mind to the self as the self-chuckles with the wisdom of imperfection.

Getting kicked out of my house was a setback that has made life a bit more difficult but a lot more fun. Instead of spending my nights reading on the futon near a fire, I instead am thrust back into the furnace of the city without a place to go but never searching for a place to be. For now, I am content. I can read and I can write and while it is raining outside currently I am not afraid of where I will go. At any time, I could take off on my journey to the next place but instead I feel a sense of wanting to complete what my current situation is missing. My season at powder mountain and the girl that has done more than any have done for so long.

As the snow melts I find myself more deeply committed to my position in this world. I love what I am doing and yet I know that it can’t last. This is something that I have learned from traveling in the way that I go from place to place with much more thought put to the future than the past. There is an insatiable need to explore the world that drives me away from each ecosystem I create. Like the heartbreak that comes with finishing a great book and a beautiful looking back at what was accomplished. This is just the way things are, impermanent, which then causes me to contemplate the feeling. It’s as if there is a portion of love that comes from the yearning to keep what passes. After this discomfort passes a certain thresh hold we call it love. 

It seems to be less painful to be detached from the past but then there is something so melancholic and satisfying about having moments to cling on to. My past experiences are a source of fulfillment and a way to find meaning in this onslaught of sensory bombardment we refer to as the experience of life. Through pain we grow, and through the willful acceptance of pain do we grow strong. The real currency of this world is the experiences that we carry with us. How we feel these experiences add up into a human being is what give meaning. While it’s sad that these things come to an end I can’t say I would change it for anything.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. There is still at least two weeks left in the season and no way am I about to let this time go by without burning a fire so bright that it will sear a hole so deep into my mental retina that I will be plagued with the greatness of this time for the rest of my life.

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