This morning I woke up and cut one tab of lsd into 4ths. I ate one of the 4ths tabs lsd and will be saving another half for tomorrow; thus, upping the dosage by 2x per day which should reach a climax by the end of the week at about 8 tabs. I feel as if there is a lot of tension inside of me at the moment. Perhaps meditation would help, but more so I feel that it comes down to dieting and the social company that I keep for myself in. I have let myself become part of the mayonnaise of life. Unaware of even my own suffering. I can feel my body aching with all that it has allowed itself to sink into. Most of the time, when confronted with life’s shortcomings, I wallow with the thought of what it would take to get out of this circumstance, and there is nothing productive about wallowing. How I usually reaction when confronted with all of my missed opportunities is I would turn to the escapism found in video games or something similar. Today is different, despite feeling the pain of failure stronger and more direct than usual, I am also unwilling to let myself fall further down by not doing something about it. I feel that I must do something about it. I can now remember the goals that I set for myself. Australia, Snowboarding, becoming a writer and even getting through college, all of which I can make progress on today.
I understand that to a large extent the reasons why I do these kinds of experiments are because I feel that I am losing something in the world. I feel that I have gotten behind and that I must take great risks in order to do something that might catch me back up. Constantly am I looking for a great awakening that can reshape my life and, the sad part about it is that I know what I must do.
At the moment, micro dosing is a way of shocking the body back into awareness of what it needs to be doing and for this reason I can see the benefit. I would like to make this experiment again when I am in a place of abundance, but for now, I can feel that it will do me good to compete the week. To sustain this practice for a week in order to cement the practices of awareness and discipline into my routine is what I aim to take away from this practice. If I sustained this practice into a lifestyle I would start to feel dependent. I am hoping that by maintaining a practice of disciplined efforts in goal attainment that it will it relieve some of the pain I feel and make life more enjoyable for myself and for anyone I touch.
As the day goes on I feel more at ease with what I am doing in life. It feels good to be back at the reigns and reawakened to my purpose of life. There is still much to be done and many more obstacle to be overcome, I still a great amount of tension and I am unsure of where it comes from. Perhaps a week’s worth of notes will enlighten me as to what the source of this tension could be.